Review - 'Ugly Love' by Colleen Hoover

If you're a fan of the book, please don't read this review. It's going to upset you, and then you're going to hate me and leave mean comments, and then we can't be friends anymore. It'll be awkward all around. So yeah, best avoid.

Seriously, last chance to turn away.

Okay, now that I'm among like-minded readers (all three of us who didn't like this book), what the heck was this? Was Colleen Hoover blackmailed into putting her name on a book written by a hormonal teenager? Because I can't comprehend any other explanation for the hot mess that was this book.

Gosh, where to even start? How about with Tate and Miles, our main couple. So they meet and it's lust at first sight. But Miles can't do relationships because some unexplained thing has hurt him in the past. So now he can only have no-strings-attached sex. (Cue eye roll.) Of course, Tate can't say no to such an amazing offer, so she jumps right in. (Another eye roll.)

Sure, the premise is a bit wack, but not all hope is lost. The characters must at least be likable, right? Well, no. Miles doesn't talk or smile, which is mentioned at least once on every single page. In fact, he smiles so rarely that Tate composed a poem on the one occasion he did:

Miles smiles

For no one else

Miles only smiles

For me.

If you're wondering how anyone could possibly fall for a nonverbal, expressionless man-child, your guess is as good as mine.

Then we come to Tate, the world's biggest pushover, letting Miles walk all over her and treat her like a sex doormat. Yet she keeps going back for more, reeking of desperation and utterly devoid of self-respect. Lest you think this makes for an exciting story, I assure you there's a reason why silent/clingy has not taken off as a popular romance trope.

I want to plaster those four words on a billboard and require myself to pass it on my drive to work every day.

You'd think he promised her the moon and the stars, but no, he just said, "You look pretty, Tate." I kid you not.

We also have interweaved the story from Miles's younger years, the one that explains his pain. He and Rachel are young and in love, but things keep getting in their way. It definitely makes for very angsty (shudder) drama. But that isn't my biggest issue. My biggest problem is that it's written like this:

Rachel is happy.

I make Rachel happy.

I make Rachel's life better.

Her life is better with me in it.

"Rachel," I whisper.

Is this a joke? And here's another example:

We go to the beach.

Rachel wants to sunbathe while she reads.

I want to watch Rachel sunbathe while she reads.

In case you think I cherrypicked the most ludicrous examples, those are actually from the same page. In fact, every page written about Miles and Rachel reads like this. And it has the most ridiculous formatting, with line breaks galore, everything center-aligned, and random italics thrown in for emphasis.

Why is the writing so juvenile when Miles is supposedly 18 years old? Why is every scene between the two couples so cringeworthy? And why isn't this book called "Idiot Love" instead? I don't have any answers, just questions.

As I was reading this, I kept feeling like I was on some hidden camera show, and any moment, someone would jump out of the bushes and yell, "Gotcha!" Then they would hand me the real book written by Colleen Hoover, and we'd all have a good laugh over how thoroughly they got me. But sadly, that didn't happen.

I have a love/hate relationship with Colleen Hoover, and this one unfortunately falls squarely in the hate category. Since I've read most of her recent books, I thought I'd catch up on some of her older ones. But that was clearly the wrong decision. Maybe she's one of those authors who gets better and better as they go, and this is just too far back from her current style to resemble even a little of what I love about her writing.

And one last closing thought: if you're a young woman (or young man) reading this, and you think this is the way love is supposed to be, just no. You can have spark and sizzle and lust, and still be treated with kindness and respect. Don't ever let someone walk all over you and don't ever settle for less than you deserve. Tate should've kicked Miles to the curb a long time ago. If she had, this would've been a story worth reading.

Readaroo Rating: 1 star